you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize
