So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
