Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
