Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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