Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
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