I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Do you remember whose house we're in?
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize
