He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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