Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
