Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
