When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
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