you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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