Can Purell be used as lube?
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
