I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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