Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Randomize
