I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
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