And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
