Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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