so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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