my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Randomize
