i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
