dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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