New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
The best revenge is premature balding
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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