Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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