I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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