I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
