smell my finger.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
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