A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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