they need to just BURY HIM!
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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