I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
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