I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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