the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
