I wish I could punch you in the face.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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