you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
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You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
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Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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