Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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