I cannot find my penis.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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