Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
