I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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