I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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