I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
All I want is dick and wine.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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