"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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