I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
