I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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