if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Randomize
