I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
