she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
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