I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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