just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
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College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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