It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
