You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
