she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Randomize
