I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
