guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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