No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
