I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
