i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
