He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
