Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
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so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
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You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
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